


Steamed Hams: She-Ra Edition

by DoomerGuy



Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: F/F, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-11
Updated: 2021-01-11
Packaged: 2021-03-15 17:15:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28692333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DoomerGuy/pseuds/DoomerGuy
Summary: (Season 4) (parody) In an attempt to heal the damage Catra has been causing in their relationship, Scorpia invites her to a wholesome and professional dinner.
Relationships: Catra/Scorpia (She-Ra)
Kudos: 10





	Steamed Hams: She-Ra Edition

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [The Simpsons](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/740910) by Fox Broadcasting Company. 



“Well Scorpia I made it, despite your directions.”

Catra had changed since their times in the Crimson Wastes. The cat girl standing in the doorway before Scorpia lost that luster in her eyes and gained a set of bags in its place. Being the ‘good friend’ she was Scorpia decided it was up to her to reignite whatever flame that desert heat lit in the first place with some quality food and company.

“Ah, force commander Catra! Welcome!”

Catra pushed past her and into the room Scorpias bulk once hid. Within sat a table clearly set for two boasting a pair of tinny platters that every Horde soldier had been eating off of from their scarring childhood and two stone cups- seemingly hand, or claw, carved.

“You said this was important.” Catra’s voice held an accusation, and Scorpia was quick to quell her rising annoyance.

“It is!” Scorpia jogged past the shorter girl, spinning on her heel before the table. She pulled one chair out with her stinger, gesturing for Catra to sit and side stepping away. The dull expression on her best friends face bluntly conveyed her complete disinterest. Scorpia knew her well enough to expect this, and brute forced her way through.

“I hope you’re prepared for an unforgettable luncheon!”

Something clicked in Catras eyes, and she sniffed the air.

“Is something burning?”

Scorpia took an unintentional step back towards the rooms only other door, positioned directly opposite to the entrance.

“We’re in the Fright Zone.” Scorpia reminded Catra. “Something’s on fire all the time.”

Ignoring yet another one of Scorpia’s excuses Catra’s posture stooped as she followed the scent, eyes locking onto the far door. She scuttled forward on the balls of her feet, almost making it before a meaty claw cut her off and slid her back to the table.

“Trust me- just wait here and this will all be over soon enough. You can go back to hunting Adora…”

“And you can get me Emily’s memories.” Catra interjected. Scorpia only tentatively smiled and backpedaled, getting an affirmation from Catra via a small nod and plowed-backwards through the room’s rear door.

“C’mon, you’ve seen that she can actually have _fun_ …” Scorpia rubbed her eyes with the smoothest part of each claw. Once they fell away she saw that the rooms crude oven was smoking and ran to it, claws nearly ripping the handle off as she yanked it open and got an eye full of charred and flame-licked dog-sized rat.

“No! My roast! It’s ruined!”

During her stint as a gang boss, Catra only ate one thing- roasted waste rat. She loved them, so much so that Scorpia took it out on herself to go hunt two dozen of them, although she could never get the marinade right. It was some baffling mix of zesty cacti juice, peppers, and these hardly shrub-like spices Scorpia needed perfected before she served it to Catra. But, she’d burnt those early experiments too, and had even set the oven way lower this time.

Now at her full height, she dragged her hopes and dreams to their death with a heavy gulp, and was about to go and tell her not-so-forgiving, and clearly agitated superior that this was all for nothing.

Until the Hord’Mac across the street turned it’s neon light on. The fast food restaurant was open twenty four hours a day, a lenient shift in the Fright Zone. The cartoonish depiction of their leader throwing out a ‘thumbs up’ cast its pale red light through the room’s sole window like a spear celestial light. Celestial phenomenon and a neon sign were equally miraculous to Scorpia in that moment. 

“But, What if… I was to get fast food and pose it as my own cooking!” Her claws rattled together in her excitement. “Oh, delightfully devious, Catra’d be proud!” Stepped to side, glaring at the spot she was just standing and leveled a chiding glare. “But she can never know!”

~

Outside, Catra was growing bored. She’d already sent one cup tumbling from the table, and kicked it across the room when it didn’t break on impact. She now nudged its sibling closer to the edge with her tail.

When Scorpia began talking to herself, those massive ears perked up and focused on the door, each and every word of the over eager princess made obvious to her superhuman hearing. Honestly, she’d smelled the burning animal in the hall, but just assumed Vultak was putting another beast through ‘discipline training’. But she was wise to its source now.

A smile cracked like her whip across her face, and she stepped through the door. Scorpia had one leg on the window (really a crude square hole in the wall) when she entered.

“Scorpia!”

“Oh, uh, hey wildcat. I was just- just- juuust stretching my calves on the windowsill! Isometric Exercise! Care to join me?”

“I’m already flexible enough.”

Scorpia agreed too quickly and without thought.

“Why is there smoke coming out of your oven, Scorpia?”

A pair of claws spazzed out trying to wave the smoke away, but with one leg out the window Scorpia’s bulk was unbalanced and she toppled into the room. The racket of claws on metal made Catra’s ears flatten against her head.

“Oh, that’s not smoke!” She corrected before even standing. “That’s steam! From the Steam Clams we’re having! Ahh, steamed clams!” She spliced the end into her explanation clumsily and wistfully. Catra only had to smell the air to detect the burnt, dirty, worm-eating rat. Still, she shrugged right before she left and returned to the table.

Scorpia sighed, shimmied out the window and burst across the road to a chorus of horns and yells. Once she was through the ‘restaurants’ doors, she plowed to the front of the que and began to stutter out her order.

“There’s a line lady.” rowdy customers reminded her. While uttering a small apology Scopria’s tail flicked out, stinging the annoyed man behind her and sending the rest away in a common Horde retreat.”

“Works for me.” The un-empathetic cashier mumbled. “Did you want fries with that, or…”

~

“Not now, Hordak.” Catra’s thumb hovered on her pads power button ready to cancel the tyrant’s unprompted call at any second. He exploded in a characteristic rant and Catra rolled her eyes at Hordaks quick jump from false bravado to a humorous anger.

“What could possibly be more important than finishing Entraptas weapon before she builds one for the rebellion?”

“Scorpia’s cooking for me.”

His pupil-less eyes twitched and grew with impotent rage and the red innards of his mouth flashed as Hordak prepared a lecture. She didn’t meet his rage head on, instead focusing on the chip in his collar.

“You know, pink crystals look stupid on you. Maybe we should get rid of it, like before?”

His mouth shuddered and twitched before eventually closing. From behind him, another Catra stepped from behind one of the bubbling vats in Hordaks sanctum, still bearing the grey tassels of hair she’d trimmed off.

“Aww, don’t worry big guy. I can be your Catra till the real, lesser one arrives” Double Trouble cooed in its borrowed voice.

“Great!” Hordak barked with genuine enthusiasm, and reached off screen to pull a hefty lever.

A pink field sparked to life behind him, and Double Trouble went down gasping, while he was, of course, unaffected. “Be back here once your meal is done. Do not vomit on my machines.” He added before the field behind him, then screen, went dark.

In the silence, Catra’s tail flicked the surviving stone cup and brought it to the point of falling, before yanking it up to safety. It filled the long minutes that she was otherwise unentertained.

Scorpia burst through the door holding a large platter decorated with a dozen burgers with pale buns on a bed of soggy fries. She was still out of breath from her run, but she called out to Catra all the same.

“Whew. Force commander Kitty, I hope you’re ready for some mouthwatering hamburgers…”

She was cut off when Catra swung her tail full force and sent the cup to the floor, where it landed in pieces. Scorpia let out a little ‘oops’, apologizing for her friend while Catra flowed into her chair and crossed her legs.

“I thought we were having steamed clams.” Her head cocked and followed the platter as it was set down before her.

“Oh, I did… didn’t say that! I said steamed hams! It’s what I call hamburgers.”

Catra snatched one eagerly, squeezing it under her claws. Scorpia smiled wide at the enthusiasm. When she took her first bite, that glint in her eye she first had when they captured Adora, or she lounged on that throne, was back. A smug, a toothy, burger-grease stained grin unzipped under her shrewd eyes.

“You call hamburgers steamed hams?”

The simple question was delivered on a bed of levity and amusement so genuine it made Scorpia forget she was lying. She would say anything to keep this going.

“Oh, it’s a regional thing, here in the Fright Zone”

Catra nearly choked on her bite. “Scorpia, we’ve lived in the Fright Zone for years, and we’ve never called them that.”

“Oh no, not in the Fright Zone- It comes from the Scorpion dynasty.”

Catra dropped it. There were more prevalent points that could make Scorpia squirm.

“You know, these burgers are a lot like the ones they serve at Hord’macs.” She took another wide bite, chewing it slowly.

`”Oh no- patented scorpion burgers! They’re an old family recipe.”

“For steamed hams?”

“Uh, yeah!”

Catra pulled her burger apart and plucked a jabbering wad of meat from the patty with her pinky claw.

“Weird, cause these are blatantly microwaved.”

She flicked the wad into a far corner and eagerly awaited Scorpia’s reply.

“Oh…uh…yea…yes…you know the one thing- excuse me, for a sec, Wildcat.”

Catra dismissed her with a wave. Scorpia stepped into the flaming kitchen for a split second before retreating.

She tried to use her bulk to block the orange glow, pincers on her hips.

“Well, that was undeniably wonderful. A good time had by all- just like in the Crimson- ah!”

Scorpia ducked as burst of flame shot from the door. Catra’s eyes were wide as she leapt from her chair, landing on all fours behind it.

“What-what is happening in there?”

There were a hundred ways to get out of this- a rebel attack, faulty wiring. She could literally just point behind Catra and say ‘Adora’ to distract her. Instead…

“Aurora Borealis.”

Catra was incredulous, standing up to her full height, hackles raised and ears going streamline against her head. She mantled onto the table and matched Scorpias height.

“Really, Scorpia? An aurora borealis? At this time of the year, at this time of day in this part of Etheria, and localized entirely in that room?”

“Ye-Yes!”

Catra pounced, knocking Scorpia to the ground and stepping over her towards the door. To her panic, she stepped through it into the flames, and when she returned was wreathed by them.

Impaled on her claws was a charred rat.

“Is this another one of your attempts to make me happy?”

When Scorpia sheepishly nodded, Catra threw her head back in laughter. It was unapologetically shrill and cruelly amused: a fitting chord for a room filling with flames. Scorpia was curled into a defensive pose against the table, and Catra easily beat her curled form for a height advantage.

A pair of fangs slid into the rat, and bit down with the force of a guillotine. She pulled back and chewed.

“It’s delicious.”

She had just said the best thing Scorpia had ever heard like it was nothing.

“Wait-“Scorpia gawked in disbelief, watching as the morsel was flayed and consumed with a set of razor sharp claws and learned speed.

“You even crushed its skull! I used to love doing that as a kid- Adora hated it. She hated when I ate them, too.” She cleaned the flesh from between two ribs with spite in her eyes. The next words out of Scorpia were so upbeat and melodic they could’ve been the start of a song had they not been silenced.

She went to speak when a clammy, yet painfully dry burger was stuffed into Scorpias mouth.

“Shut up!” Spat the cat girl now standing over the scorpion heir.

“It’s good, but you don’t have to try so hard. You wanna know what actually made me happy?”

Scorpia cocked her head and scanned Catras calm, lidded eyes for a sings that this was a joke. She didn’t even notice the flames flowing across the ceiling or the klaxon filling the air.

“You never ran off with two strangers to go play hero. You never left me at Shadow Weavers mercy. You, Scorpia, are _here_.”

She slid a fry into the corner of Scorpia’s mouth.

The door that led out of the room and into the Fright Zone proper burst open, a line of fire fighters in heavy respirators and ill-fitting coats stormed the room, liberally hosing down the growing flames.

One passed the table and saw the duo. He called out to them, but while Scorpia never heard his question, Catra ignored it, peeling away from Scorpias stunned expression and passing the first responder.

She stopped at the door, turning to look at Scorpia. It was the spitting image of her face when she’d wanted to stay in the crimson wastes. A fang poked through her smile for just a second before her tail flicked across her face, wiping it away.

“And it’d make me _real_ happy if you could get Emily’s memories.”

With that, she shoved a concerned medic away with a cry of ‘personal space’ and disappeared around the corner.

“So you’re alright?” Scorpia heard the firefighters question this time. She spat the burgers contents across the room before replying.

“Oh no. I’m really, really, REALLY not alright.”

“So are you and the commander like a thing?”

He’d helped her to her feet before asking anything else.

“No.” She shot the question down, denying the possibility of such an unprofessional relationsh-

“Why? Did it look like we’re a thing? Is that a thing that people who are _things_ do?” The firefighter just broke out in piteous laughter. Before he could even elaborate, a resounding crack echoed throughout the room.

To their right, another responder raised the foot he’d just put lodged in a rat carcass high enough to show the rest of his crew.

“Dang, didn’t know they could get that big. It’s like a dog.”


End file.
